Mr. Lumpkins Lets You in on a Secret

Hello, I am Mr. Lumpkins—Genius extraordinaire.

I am special. The Greatest, some say. Only truly special people understand me. And if you are reading this, I know you must be one of those special people.

So I am going to let you in on a little secret: I have a plan. One day I will rule the world. Things will be so much better that way. I can arrange everything just how I like it, and then I will be happy.

You are probably thinking, “But Mr. Lumpkins, that is so ambitious! Surely such a plan is beyond the reach of mere mortals!”

It is tricky, it is tricky, Friends. Folks today are much more suspicious when people announce that they want to rule the world. This makes things very tricky indeed.

Can I be honest with you?

I miss the good old days in which people could make themselves Pharaohs. Or absolute Monarchs. Or SUPREME DICTATOR FOR LIFE.

Now that’s a title.

Those were the days The truly Great Geniuses of the land could rule with total power and make their dreams a reality. And look at all they accomplished!

They had pyramids built in their honor.

And they conquered continents.

They had gladiators fight to the death in the Colosseum in their honor.*

Now a-days, people are so much more suspicious. They have such strong feelings about rights. And laws. They are suspicious of unlimited power.

Le sigh…

Lucky for me, I have figured out a way around such pesky limitations. Yes, indeed. I have found the secret. You must convince the people to make you king. And you must convince them that you have the answers to all their problems and that only you can save them.

In fact, you must convince them to hang on your every word and make your desires their most cherished dreams.

Do this, and do it well, and all the rest will be yours, My Friends.

“But how, Lumpkins? How can you accomplish such a task?” I hear you say.

That, of course, is the question. And that is why I write my memoirs. Stay tuned, My Special Ones. I will share more of my genius soon…

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*Moritori te salutant: “Those who are about to die salute you.” (In ancient Rome, gladiators spoke these words to Caesar at the beginning of gladitorial games.)