Over 85% of girls and women in America hate or strongly dislike, or even hate, their bodies.[1]
This is a statistic I heard years ago, and it greatly troubled me. Why do so many women hate their bodies? I wondered Why can’t we love ourselves? And why does body loathing afflict women so disproportionately?
(This post is geared primarily towards women, but much of the advice also applies to men and also my friends who identify as non-binary and transgender.)
Why Women Hate Their Bodies
It is no wonder that we struggle so deeply with this issue. We live in a media-saturated society in which we constantly see images of perfect, air-brushed people.
In addition, advertisers make a great deal of money by makings us feel like we are flawed and gross. They tell us that their products will solve all of our problems.
To make matters worse, historically women received pressure to be docile, compliant, child-like and subservient. This message often makes women feel as though everything about them must be small. If not, as the social narrative goes, they are no longer attractive and desirable.
As a result of this, many females live in terror of getting big in any way. They learn to play small in every area of their life.
On the other hand, women also receive the message through the media and other distorted cultural messages that their bodies exist primarily as an object of the male gaze.
As such, they learn that their worth depends on how attractive men other people in general find their bodies.
This leaves them in constant terror of any perceived physical weakness or imperfection. So, women constantly worry that other people will find them unattractive. And since their worth depends on other people’s opinions, it feels like any bad opinion negates their worth as a human being.
It is no wonder that increasingly very young girls (even as young as kindergarten[2]), worry how their bodies look and learn to hate what they see in the mirror.
And it is no wonder that only 12% of older women report being satisfied with their bodies.
It is no wonder that eating disorders of all kinds have increased in the last few decades and new types of eating disorders continually emerge.
And it is no wonder that for many women, body obsession and criticizing their own bodies is second nature. We somehow believe that body-loathing and body-hate is normal, expected, and perhaps even a virtue.
Body-Loathing is Holding Us Back
The struggle that women have with their bodies became vividly apparent to me years ago.
It happened when I was at dinner with a group of my girlfriends one night–a group of beautiful, wonderful women. We were having a pleasant meal together when the conversation suddenly shifted to our bodies.
My friends started talking about what diet they were on; how much weight they needed to lose; and all of their perceived physical flaws.
I was sorely tempted to jump into the conversation and add my own list of reasons I was displeased with my body. In fact, I had been feeling inordinately insecure about myself that day. It would have been easy to list all of the things I did not like about my physical appearance.
I had certainly engaged in such conversations before. And I certainly thought about these issues constantly.
I suddenly remembered that statistic–“Over 85% of women hate their body.” And I thought about how much pain body loathing had caused me. I desperately wished that I and all other women could feel at peace with their bodies.
In a moment of inspiration, I decided it was time to defy the statistics and kick my body-loathing habit. So, I said, “My body is perfect, and I don’t need to fix anything.”
I don’t really remember how the conversation went after that or much else that happened that night. What I do know is that day signaled a shift in my thinking. I realized that I (and my friends) were intelligent women with so much to give to the world. And for some reason, all we could think about was our physical imperfections.
“This cannot be healthy,” I thought. “All of this body-hate is holding us back. It is holding me back.”
The End of Body Hate
That day I decided that I wanted to be a part of a growing group of women who love and accepted their bodies unconditionally. This doesn’t mean that I started magically loving my body 24/7.
I had, and still have, days when a really mean voice inside my head points out everything wrong with my appearance. (I wrote about such a day and how I handled it here.)
But I did begin researching and thinking about body-love and body-acceptance. In addition, I spent a lot of time thinking about why women hate their bodies so much and how we can stop engaging in this widespread game of body-loathing.
Along the way, I have learned some really helpful things about body-shame and body- loathing. They are ideas that I fall back on whenever I have a body loathing attack.
Here are seven things you can do/things you can remember when you have a body-loathing attack.
One: Slow down and breathe.
Frequently when we have a body-loathing attack, it is because we are pushing ourselves too hard and trying to force ourselves to do and be more. So, we feel like failures. Frequently when women feel like a failure in any area of their lives, they translate this feeling into “I feel fat and hate my body.”
So, if you are having a body-loathing attack today, you may be pushing yourself too hard. When this happens to me, I slow down, sit in a quiet place, and practice intentional breathing.
Here is one of my favorite breathing patterns that you may find helpful: Breathe in deeply through your nose for four counts; hold your breath for four counts; exhale for four counts.
I find that breathing slows me down, dissipates my anxiety and self-loathing, and helps me gain clarity so that I can assess what is going on inside me.
In addition, I also use this personal affirmation to slow down and center myself: I am only responsible for this moment. And I have everything I need as I stay present with myself.
Two: Ask yourself, “Is this about my body, or is it about something else?”
Sometimes when we hate our body, our self-loathing is actually not about our body, even though it feels like it. It is a signal that something else is going on.
In her book, Fat is a Feminist Issue, Susie Orbach suggests that many times when women feel body-loathing, it is because they are trying to live bigger lives, ask for more, and try new and daring things.
This feels scary.
Historically, women have felt pressure to be quiet, docile, childlike, and to play small. One only has to look at the history of body modification techniques like foot-binding, corsets, and other body invasive practices to recognize this.
Whether we realize it or not, the pressure to be small affects women deeply. It affects us so deeply, in fact, that when we begin to live large in any way, we often feel unattractive, gross, and unfeminine.
And often we equate these feelings with our body.
When you feel like you hate your body, consider that your feelings may actually not be about your body. Rather, your feels may occur because you feel insecure for trying to live a bigger, more confident, visible life.
If would like to learn how to start living large, no matter what, I love Tara Mohr’s and Sarah Jenks’ work on this.
The next time you hate your body because you are starting to play big and ask for more, here is something you can say to yourself. Living a large, beautiful life is everyone’s birthright. I do not have to be ashamed.
Three: Reject the Messages of People Who Control Through Body-Shaming
The next time you hate your body, realize that your feelings may be coming from people around you who are consciously or unconsciously trying to control you through body-shaming.
Women often face pressure to believe that their worth comes from physical attractiveness. Therefore, most women are extremely sensitive about their bodies and appearance. As such, we shut down whenever we hear any criticism related to this area of our lives.
Because of this, many men and women who feel threatened by women automatically resort to criticizing their body. Or they criticize some other aspect of their physical appearance.
Many men and women have found that this is a highly effective bullying technique for silencing women. (You can read more about this here.)
If you are achieving new things in your life, standing up to bullies and boundary crashers, pursuing new goals, taking risks, and generally kicking ass, some people may feel threatened. As such, they may body-shame you so that they feel less threatened.
If you are feeling shame and hatred about your body, consider that people around you may be trying to make you play small by shaming your body.
If at all possible, stand up to people who shame your body or drastically reduce the time you spend around them.[3] (You can read more about how to do that here.)
Here is something you can say to yourself the next time you realize somebody is body-shaming you. People who body-shame me are trying to control me, and I refuse to surrender to this shame. I am proud of myself and always have my back.
You can use ideas like this to build a force field of love around yourself.
Four: Realize that weight gain and weight loss are a normal part of life.
If you hate your body because you feel like you have lost or gain weight recently, realize that gaining and losing weight is a normal part of life.
Our bodies change all the time. For example, at different times of the year, our immune system is stronger or weaker. And our hair is thicker or thinner, our skin is lighter or darker.
These are all natural and normal bodily processes.
Weight gain and weight loss, in general, are other natural bodily processes.[4] We gain weight because of puberty, stress, childbirth, menopause. Sometimes we gain weight because we have a nutritional imbalance that we need to fix.
We also gain weight for important emotional reasons, too. Sometimes we unconsciously gain weight as a way to protect ourselves from the world. And sometimes we unconsciously gain weight as a way to rebel against people and messages that tell us that we have to play small to be valuable.[5]
All of these reasons for gaining weight are normal, understandable, and even helpful messages from our body that we can heed in order to gain wisdom. It is odd, then, that our culture singles out the physical change of weight gain and weight loss and makes such a big deal out of a normal process.
If you feel shame because you have gained or lost weight because of natural life processes like puberty, pregnancy, menopause, stress, or emotional issues, here are some things you can say to yourself. I honor my body’s natural life processes, and I listen to my body. We can always figure out a loving solution together.
Five: Realize that you can find health at any size.
Sometimes the reason we hate our bodies is because many of us have grown up with weight/height and BMI charts which give us a very specific range we have to fall in in order to be considered healthy. Many women (and men) feel shame when they fall outside that range.
We receive the message that we are unhealthy, we are not taking care of body, and that we have failed morally.
The impetus between BMI and height and weight charts may be well-intentioned. But it is often unhelpful.
Extra weight is not necessarily unhealthy. In fact, many times it is healthy—especially if someone is exercising and eating a nutrient-rich diet.[6] Do you know what is always bad for health? Worrying and stressing about one’s weight constantly.
Women (and men) who regularly worry about their body suffer stress, anxiety, depression, and self-loathing. And these take a tremendous toll on our health. Worrying about weight can actually be linked to type II diabetes. (You can read here and here.)
Dr. Love, a professor of surgery, writes “failing to live by the various health rules is a major source of stress and guilt, particularly for women.”
Dr. Love continues, “And there is nothing magic about losing weight. People who are obese or underweight have higher mortality rates, but people who are overweight are just as healthy as those of normal weight — and sometimes healthier. “
Kathy Kater, a psychotherapist who specializes in treatment of weight concerns writes, “There is clear evidence that, fat or thin, people who are well fed, fit, and less stressed are at lower risk for health problems.
In light of this, what if, instead of, ‘How to reduce or prevent fatness?’ health campaigns asked, ‘How can we teach children and adults to stay connected to, care for and take care of their bodies?’”
Worrying about our bodies and our weight does not make us healthy. Loving ourselves, nurturing our emotions, nurturing ourselves with nutrient-rich food, and incorporating gentle exercise into our day makes us healthy.
Linda Bacon, who holds a doctorate in physiology and specializes in treating eating disorders and body image problems, has written more about these issues in her book Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight.
The next time you hate your body because you worry that you are unhealthy, here is something you can say to yourself. Finding health is possible at any size and comes from loving and taking care of myself.
Six: Realize that you can be beautiful and have a beautiful life at any weight
Frequently when we loathe our bodies, it is because we are afraid that we are too big or too small. And we fear that this means we are unattractive and cannot have beautiful life.
We often hear that only people who meet a very narrow set of beauty standards—like those we see in magazines—are beautiful and happy.
Nothing can be further from the truth. Beauty comes from loving yourself and others. This means that any person of any size is beautiful at any moment they decide to pursue these things.
There are many people, who are beautiful in the traditional sense, who make themselves ugly by their cruelty to others. Their lives are filled with a string of fractured relationships, regrets, and self-loathing.[7]
On the other hand, there are so many other people who are not traditionally beautiful but who are extraordinarily beautiful nonetheless because their lives are overflowing with love for themselves and others.
When people love themselves and others, they bring the gifts of peace, compassion, healing, listening, and curiosity to every relationship they have. They live an abundant, joyful life, and this is true beauty.
This is not to say that people who look any certain way are more or less prone to happiness. Rather, this is to say that beauty and happiness are not really tied to people’s looks. Beauty and happiness proceed from an inner state of love and compassion that every single person can cultivate, no matter their size, shape, or appearance.
While gaining or losing weight may accompany other behaviors or mindsets that bring happiness, losing or gaining weight in themselves do not bring happiness. Unfortunately, we (especially women) regularly receive the message that they do.
This message is often referred to as the Fantasy of Being Thin. It is the idea that as soon as we lose weight (or for some people, gain weight) and have the perfect bodies, we will finally be happy, and our lives will start going well.
Kate Harding has written a great post on the Fantasy of Being Thin and why it is extremely unhelpful and misleading.
In addition, Wooley and Garner, in an article from the American Dietetic Association[8], address this issue when they write:
“Obese patients are often encouraged to believe that weight loss is an appropriate way to combat depression, save a failing marriage, or increase the chance of career success.
The irrationality of hopes pinned on weight loss is so striking that dieting might almost be likened to superstitious behavior….
Passing from childhood into adolescence, leaving home, marrying, starting a new job, having a baby, experiencing marital difficulties, adjusting to children leaving home, and growing old — all these life situations may become unexamined reasons to diet.
In other instances, concerns over weight mask even more serious problems.”
Such a powerful piece! I love your illustrations! Do you mind if I reblog this on Growing Self? ?☺️
Please do, Roda! I would love that. This is a topic I feel so strongly about, so I would love anyone to share it.
Reblogged this on Growing Self and commented:
What a beautiful and powerful post, Shelly!
Thank you for allowing me to share.
As always…
Love Yourself…Embrace Yourself…Just Be You…
Roda